So here’s my question: If E Pluribus Unum means “from many, one” what would “from many, many” be? E Pluribus Pluribum? My memory of high school Latin fails me and I can’t answer a simple question about declension anymore. My Latin I teacher, Father Cletus Wagner (Latin insider joke: we called him ‘Cletus, -a, -um’) would never forgive me for this lapse. My Latin II teacher, a homicidal maniac named Father Walschinsky, couldn’t beat the answer out of me. (At least not now he couldn’t. He has to be 90-something if he’s still alive. He once punched my face repeatedly, splitting my lip and loosening a tooth. I wonder if I could visit him in his nursing home. “Hi Father, remember me, you psychotic thug? How did you ever get put in charge of young minds!? Here, let me adjust your pillow for you. On your FACE!”).
I digress. Here’s another Latin question: Did Ceasar’s Gallic wars start out Alles Gallia est divisa in tres partes, or was it ‘Gallium.’ The memory is blurry (probably from that beating) and it’s not worth the visit to Wikipedia to find out. Either way, France was divided into three parts, and Ceasar thought it was important to note it. So did Father Walschinsky. They may have punctuated their lessons differently, but it seems they agreed that the lesson, whatever it was, was more enduring when spoken in Latin.
Here’s why I’m asking about popular and obscure Latin phrases and the policies they represent – the Taxed Enough Already crowd is taking more of the stage in national politics. They demand lower taxes, seem to hate federal programs, and believe in ‘accountability and personal responsibility.’ More than anything, they believe in states’ rights, limited federal spending, and a few selected constitutional provisions. So are we the United States or the Untied States? Unum or Divisa? Are we a country or just a collection of states?
It has me thinking about troubles in other states and asking the bigger John Galt question: What’s in it for me? Why should I care about other states? Are we really required to care? Am I really connected in any way to Idaho? I don’t know what it means to miss New Orleans – I’ve never been there. Why should I care if it washes out to sea or blackens with oil? I’m not a huge fan of country music either but the songs I do enjoy are available on iTunes, so Nashville can swim for it. I have my own memories of Elvis so if only a stream of bubbles tells me where Graceland used to be, I can live with that. Border jumping is mostly a problem for border states. We border New Jersey, which, while not ideal, still has a river and $4 tolls to divide us.
My home state, Pennsylvania, has been called “two major cities at either end of the state, with Alabama in between.” The state legislature likes to punish the big cities. The big cities wonder what, besides the Turnpike, connects them with the rural areas. But we are one state, and we find ways to strike a balance. Isn’t that enough of a concession?
Election years tend to revive our grade school instinct to to drag out the crayons and color a state either red or blue. But if they are to be truly separated, how about coloring them red and green? As in, Green for the states that contribute more to our federal tax revenue than they take, and Red (the color of deficits) for the states that take more than they give. Here’s a hint: most of the Red states on the political map would stay Red on the fiscal one. This was an issue that came up during the 2008 campaign, but it disappeared all too soon. But if we are not in this together, why pretend that we are?
Which leads me to my first three Articles of Un-Confederation for the TEA crowd:
Article I – States only get what they put in.
After all, this is a meritocracy now, not a ‘socialist’ country. No more earmarks, pork projects, no more anything that would allow a state to get one more dime in federal projects than it contributed. No federal highways to underserved areas, no rural electrification, no rail subsidies, no mass transit, no airport construction. That’s not all. No farm subsidies for agricultural states. No bailing for flooded states, No barriers or levees for oil-soaked coastline states.
SS a.
More bad news. If you decide to retire to Florida, that’s your right in a free country, but you become a citizen of Florida, and the payouts from national programs like Social Security, which come from current tax revenues, will be capped for your state. You only get what your fellow Floridians (mostly retirees, costumed characters, undocumented immigrants, and Rush Limbaugh) manage to put in.
Article II – States get to count undocumented immigrants as three-fifths of a person for population
(Seriously, no human being should ever be counted as three-fifths of a person just to respect economic or political interests, and of course the greatest country in the world, which should never apologize to anyone for anything, certainly would never sanction such a thing, but we’re just imagining here). So, if you live in a state whose economy currently depends on businesses importing undocumented workers, exploiting them, then unleashing the law on them, congratulations! You will have more members of Congress. The Southern states can restore their old states-rights economy and fly state flags proudly (Stars and Bars optional). Hint: If your isolated economies flourish, people will swarm to your state. If you end up with a surplus of residents, maybe you could sell them to other states for credits, like Cap and Trade. (Can we sell people? Not sure if that issue has ever been decided. I’ll check Wikipedia.)
Article III – No FEDERAL foreign aid, ever. It must be voted state-by-state.
Foreign Aid is always the first thing politicians mention when they talk about cutting government spending, even though it is the smallest category in our budget, and may yield the most value of any money we spend internationally. No aid to Israel. No NATO troops. No AIDS relief, let it spread. No famine relief, let them die. No building of third-world economies to help avert wars or slavery. No medical care to save children. No tsunami relief, let them drown (we do it for our own people, foreigners shouldn’t expect any different). If we are not locked together with each other, we certainly shouldn’t be looking for common interests with other countries, or helping them. So what if we will only save less than 1% of all federal discretionary spending? We’ll rebate that small amount of money proportionately to the states. (Uh red states, bad news, no rebate. You save nothing).
Maybe “In God We Trust” is not as important as “In Each Other, We Trust”
The National Lampoon once summed it up nicely by posing this question: “All of the states have entirely different shapes, yet they fit together PERFECTLY – Proof of a Higher Power?”
Maybe a higher power did intend us to look out for each other. Maybe a higher power did intend for us to stay connected. By higher power, I mean the intellect and wisdom of the Founding Fathers. I think that’s what they had in mind when they aimed for ‘a more perfect union.’ Obscure Latin phrases like E Pluribus Unum may not work anymore. This is America. When enunciating the basic premise of our nationhood, speak English: From many, one. Anybody who has a problem with that, I’m sure secession will work out as well as it did last time.